July 13, 2009 10:09 p.m.

Shifting gears as I approach the onramp to the information superhighway. Destination: my last fifteen minutes.

I am pondering whether material possessions can truly bring emotional fulfillment. Whether felicity can be bound to computer chips and LCD screens. It has been said that money cannot buy happiness, but that it can buy a better brand of sadness. And I am all about brand loyalty. So, behold the technological poetry that is the LG enV. Humble yet confident, its reach never exceeds its grasp. A numerical face before an alphabetical heart.

This new addition to family follows on the heels of the loss of the bad seed that was the Verizon Trio. A gift from my partner that became a curse upon all of our houses.

Can a cell phone be evil? Good question. The answer is yes. Those who knew me in the dark days of early 2009 have heard of my deep and abiding hatred of this malevolent tool. So poisonous that it was not safe to allow it near any other electrical devices. Its poor design and difficulty of use was complimented by its tendency to call random individuals (seemingly at its own whim) and to cease working entirely for reasons known only to its own black heart, and (perhaps) its diabolical creators. If the phone performed the task you intended, you could be certain that it was only the result of coincidence. Hatred is a strong word. It is appropriate here.

The facts. Yes, I did fantasize about the violent death of this device. I did suggest that I would set about to killing the phone, while making it appear to be an accident, or perhaps even a suicide. But I am innocent in its disappearance, which occurred while hiking in the wilderness of northern Westchester County. In the real world, that phone could hold a charge for no more than eight hours; it sucked more power than a small village. In the woods, it probably wouldn't have lasted until dusk without a charger. Search parties were not deployed.

Back home, they informed me that the machine was insured. Really? Yes, we can send you a new phone in a few days. The same phone? Yes. The same model? Yes, it won't cost you anything. No thanks, I'd rather spend the two hundred dollars to own a phone that doesn't suck so badly that I've had detailed hallucinations about what it would like if it was on fire. Shhh. The nightmare is over.

I am released.