August 15, 2009 2:03 p.m.

And there was much rejoicing. My last fifteen minutes.

Dude, you're not getting a Dell. My old Dell laptop is almost defunct, the Geek Squad having placed the "Do Not Resuscitate" sticker on its chart. Now operating only in Safe Mode, it cannot speak, it cannot listen, it has no memories.

And so I have returned home with a new Toshiba Satellite, with its sleek black design and backlit keyboard that make it feel like I'm driving a good German car. Just the physical act of typing on this splendid machine creates a sense of well-being and calm that normally only results from the judicious use of quality pharmaceuticals.

But before I say anything more about the Prosperous Mr. Toshiba, allow me a final word about the Unfortunate Mr. Dell.

My former machine was eventually consumed by the Blue Screen of Death, a deeply evil phenomenon about which I was previously ignorant. The BSOD arrives without warning, turning your computer screen . . . blue. Cryptic language appears informing the user that Windows has shut down to avoid damage to the computer. What could be the problem? Software? Hardware? Memory? Good question. If you look on Microsoft's website in search of answers, you are essentially told: "Do you have the blue screen? Wow, that's too bad. We really don't know what causes that. It could be anything. So, anyway, good luck with that." The Geek Squad, or whoever, can run diagnostics, but basically they don't know. What you do is this: try a bunch of things (system restore, uninstalling software, reinstalling the operating system, professional help, other voodoo) until something works. Or it doesn't. If it works, stop asking questions and just be happy your old friend is back. If it doesn't, well we're sorry--maybe you should call the manufacturer.

My takeaway from the dealings I had with these witchdoctors is that the computer repair business is as soaked in dishonesty and false confidence as the palm reading industry. I fully recognize that the previous statement may be the product of bias.

My laptop is dead; long live my laptop.

This time it will be different.